So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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