i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
