she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
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