I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
