if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
