Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
