capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
