Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
