We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
