So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
