don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
