Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
