fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
