They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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