I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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