its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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