Me too!
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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