I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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