The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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