He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
