if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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