Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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