OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
