Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
