My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just threw up on my dentist
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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