I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
