the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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