I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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