We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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