I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
