I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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