he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
