i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
