she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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