So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When are your genitals available?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
