My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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