DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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