sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
