Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
