I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
