i think my mom watched the whole time
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
