I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize