I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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