I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
