that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
