i love accidental penises.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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