when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
