Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
