he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
