I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
