Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
