I cannot find my penis.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
