My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
