I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
