actually, I'm a sock model
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
