I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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