Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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