We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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